Beneath the Surface of Grief

Death is conversation so completely socially uncomfortable for the majority of folks. Most, I am finding, look at you as though you have a "condition" and feel you should just snap out of it.  Grief is not a state of mind, it is a state of being.  There is no snapping out of it.  Loss burrows bed like beneath you floating aimlessly on a river of unending tears.  Sorrow a heavy blanket covers you.  Sadness snuggles up beside you.  Memories play on repeat in your mind of moments past.  Misery passes the popcorn. Life as you knew it, is no longer. 

Please don’t ask me how I am. It can’t be explained.  There are no words that will accurately describe the depth of the pain I feel nor do I want to even try because then...then, it becomes real. 

I know it is real, I just don’t want it to be yet.  I still can't wrap my brain around it.  Being in public hurts. People going on like nothing happened.  Like a beautiful soul didn't just vanish from this place. A crater-like hole has opened underneath me.  It is the center for which all else is rotating.  My fingers grasping for grip on the edges as my hurting heart longs to free fall into despair. 

What I would give for one last hug. To hear your laugh and see you smile.

What I would do to rewind time and rewrite the story, especially the ending. 

The days following the funeral are rough.  I expected it would be. The dust is settling along with reality.  Human processing is happening.  Realizing life as you knew it is no longer. Finding your way through a fog of feelings. I'm latching onto those memories like life preservers. I am not fit for public. If one more person asks how I’m doing, there is going to be a Britney Spears 2007 breakdown replay.  I need to be alone. 

From the outside looking in, it appears to others that you have lost your mind.  You have.  Temporarily.  It seems as if you are wallowing.  You are.  Absolutely.  People are concerned about you.  They should be.  Undoubtedly.  You'll hear, "you have to go on" and "be strong".  Replies are not readily available.  You have none.  You are not fine.  You are not OK.  And you know what, that is OK.  You won't be for a while.  Maybe never.  Life as you knew it, is changed forever.

Time seems to pass in slow motion. The only option is to go forward even when you want to press pause on life for a while and allow yourself to sink into the quicksand of sorrow.  It is important to surround yourself with those who know and share your sorrow so you can hold each other from sinking. 

I know grief well. We have walked together in this life on and off again. I learned to just allow it to be there in the room.  Eventually, with time I got still enough to allow peace to sit with me too.  I know I will be able to invite peace in again.  In time I will be able to think of you and not crumble inside. For now, I embrace the moments we shared holding them like precious jewels wishing I had not squandered time.  It always seemed we would share another moment like we were just on pause until the next one.  

Even though it seems so now, I know death is not the end. Our human bodies may fail us, but the spirit remains.  Until we meet again, my dear friend,  I'll search for you in the stars.  I'll listen for you in the wind.  I'll feel your warmth in the sun rays and seek you in the stillness. I'll remember your voice and recall your laughter.  I'll keep your memory alive in my heart and allow my mind to realize that our spirits will remain infinitely intertwined until we meet again.